I think im going to throw up on grandma
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Randomize
