im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
