Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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mondays should just be called national damage control day
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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