I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
