my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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