we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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