my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
