the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize