Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
