Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize