Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
