everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just found puke in my bra..
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
