I'm gonna have a badass scar
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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