I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
