mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
