We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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