Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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