I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
