if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
