Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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