Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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