Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
