i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
