I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
