There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
