Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize