we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
