WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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