Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
