I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
