My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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