she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
