Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
