I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
