I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
