Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
