so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I came so hard my ears popped.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize