I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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