I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
