I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
