you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
