My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
