I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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