it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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