I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
