He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
