i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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