This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
