RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
