I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
