I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
They have beer where we have blood.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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