I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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