dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
