I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
