I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
