How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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