in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
