Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Boobs are out for the taking
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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