I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
