bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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