Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Randomize
