what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize