Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
